But if you don't change your situation Then you'll die, you'll die, don't die, don't die Please don't die

This is going to come out overly emotional due to the following reasons: 1. I am semi-drunk 2. I am semi-hungover 3. It's 4 in the morning 4. I have work in 4 hours 5. I'm pre-menstrual I'm terrified of death. I can't even begin to describe what a foreign thing it is to me. I've lost some people in my life, but not ones I completely knew per say. They were all old relatives. I was young. I didn't understand it. When I was about 6, 7, or 8 (no idea), I went to an open-casket funeral for my Uncle Gary, my grandma's little brother. I used to talk to him all the time at family get-togethers and he'd always give me a whole ten dollars whenever I saw him...he was basically the coolest guy I'd ever met. But when I went there up to the casket, I saw how sad my grandma was and I figured that I should be sad, too, right? So I MADE myself cry...I don't know how I did it, but once I started I couldn't stop. My cousin who was the same age as me didn't understand why I was crying, I felt stupid or like an attention whore. I don't know...I feel guilty for making myself cry. It's not like I didn't love him, but I didn't understand the whole concept of death. My poor grandma...she's lost so many of her loved ones. She lost her dad at a young age, she lost her mother, her step-father, her husband, a brother, a sister and just recently last year her best friend. I don't know how she can still be sane after losing that many people. I'd have a fucking heart attack if I lost so many people. But then I think about it...and it's eventually going to happen, isn't it? I don't want it to...so bad...I just want everyone to be here..with me. I can't be alone. Russell lost a friend. A good friend...he killed himself. How the hell is Russell okay with that? I knew him, but I never shared great spectacular one on ones with him like I'm sure Russell has... I mean, I know Russell isn't okay with it...but he still functions normally on the outside. I really don't get how you can talk to someone one day and then that's the last chance you'll EVER get to speak to them... Oh my god, I'm freaking out.